As the Chinese Year of Horse is approaching, I feel so happy that I want to embrace this old friend so tightly in my arms until it hurts—-its the year of my birth!
So here I am, doing my review for this last year(2013). My recent living years so far can be represented below:
Time Line(in terms of age)
Age 15-18 — Hyper-active, happy and depressive at the same time(Bipolar Disorder), the strange combination of moods was like eating vanilla oyster ice cream with red wine soy sauce (that’s my style of humor, hope you understand LOL). Family and school life were quite good, but mentally unstable
18-20 — Bipolar Disorder, mostly depressive mode, family and school went downhill from heyday, I felt like I was never alive, my soul disappeared, instead another stranger was living in my body. What I did, what I spoke was not really who I was. I felt like my years were stolen.
21 — Woke up from the long hibernation, went on backpacking for months —- that’s the year I started to feel truly alive, and be independeent. I became stronger and I was aware of how mentally-limited I was. Lost 70 pounds in total BTW.
22 — The Adventure of Life continues—–that’s the year I wish to talk about now 🙂
23 —- What will I achieve?
My Confession—-The War of Mind
It takes a long time to explain what happened in the past. I just want to say, I changed a lot so positively these 2 years that I was so alive that I felt like I experienced 5 or more productive years of mental growth despite the physically and objectively calculated 2 years.
Because of my mental and physical illness (the disorder), I lost my friends, chances to start relationships—–
(eheh that’s true love-relationship that I had hardly experienced)
and I stumbled upon my way to academic excellence, failed everyone’s(at least a lot of them) expectation when they were expecting me to skip grades or get the best results to secure a offer from Ivy League Unis. I basicially do not have a convincing document to prove my academic potential. It’s a bunch of good grades on a piece of certificate with a small remark that I did not attend examinations in the last semester. I quit my Uni.
But that could mean good things. It depends how I make out from this situation.
I did not know why I lost these supposed-to-be treasurable life events until now. However, it’s such a blessing to have experienced such a shitty downtime —– we all need some dark humor to spice up our journey of life. Without bitterness, we won’t know how sweetness tastes like. It’s such an amazing lesson to let me separate from the mediocrity and majority and observe the society as a bystander. Failures and downtimes are the best painful lessons. They are homes to Wisdom.
I understand how important physical health and mental health is now. No one is unbeatable like iron man. Health is the most important treasure, together with love.
The Magical Age of 22
The 4-month backpacking trip to Europe gave me strength, confidence, and a sense of sympathy.
Life is like a journey. Future is always full of uncertainties, ups and downs. I am so glad I am starting to appreciate life and the things my parents and others have been doing for me in those years. I was once a spoiled kid taking everything for granted. Like this.
I thought Hong Kong was the center of the World, and I was conditioned to too many social customs of my society.
There’s an old Chinese saying:
Walking thousand miles of journey is better than reading thousands of books. (Picture taken 25 Jan @ Pacific Coffee)
Experiencing practically and learning from books are both important, over relying on any one of them can never learn real knowlege, and actually HOW TO PRACTISE the knowledge. (Reference: Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow Rich)
After coming back to Hong Kong on my 22-nd birthday, I strive to find chances to be out of comfort zones in order to challenge myself. I tried to put myself back on track from being decadent and lazy, subconsciously clinging to the feeling of desperation.
So what I have done this year?
I swore I would never do them because I lacked courage to challenge myself, but surprisingly I did them despite I felt like not well-prepared, and blaaaaaa, I am so proud of taking my first baby step towards a fruitful life after years of —- I should describe it as constipation 😛 . I was doing great but I failed in the end, or quit everytime I was going to succeed. That’s soooo “constipation” gosh!
I went to—-
Beauty contest, riding a Ferrari during contest promotion surrounded by policemen to protect me, and I gathered my courage to sing, and perform Paper-cutting Chinese artwork to an audience of 100-200 people—-without much of a stage fright!
Public singing contests, challenging myself with serious stage fright, from sweating and shaking involuntarily when singing on stage to much more acceptable performances :).
Upload my music/singing cover videos on my Youtube channel. I am so delighted people actually like my singing, some of them encourage me to try out big contests, but of course, there are plenty of improvement needed:) (Gosh, how come I picked the courage to do so! )
Do Modeling, and starting to understand that Confidence and Belief in oneself is more important than random opinions of others when judging ones appearance. I believe 99% of us have our unique beauty, but people only start to appreaciate our beauty when we are confident about ourselves.
From my experience, I didn’t change a lot from 2 years ago by my appearance, but I did not have a lot of people praising my appearance until now. I was thinking: why are the opinions from others on me changing so fast? Finally I understand: it’s my confidence. I also observed similar situations from other beauties, such as Tyra Banks and Angelina Jolie. I am not saying I am so pretty, as I also keep being criticised by makeup artists and stylists about my ‘flaws’ —— I am just trying to bring out the importance of being confident of one self. 🙂
‘Flaws’ regarded by some people can be appreciated by other groups of people. Just go to the group of people who appreciate you and know your awesomeness.
Started food blogging and invited by restaurants to try their foods to write reviews for them. I need to be more professional!
Went on self-reflection for a few months, stayed in solitude, and only did a little bit of part time for months doing contemplation and meditation. Friends could hardly find me, I should apologize. That’s healthy to spend time alone for some time, but I apparently spent a little bit too much time on that. I was reading extensively, doing self-hypnosis, contemplating about life, job, and more.
Do intensive dancing lessons for a few months. I was dancing 2-4 hours a day, persisted for a few months. Exercising is the best ‘meditation’ for me—-it brings out positive vibrancy and stamina out of myself despite the fact that I am spending a lot of physical energy.
Do some parttime job that no one could imagine I actually did them. After all, it’s a new taste of life.
Do my first full-time job, and I am so glad I am learning a lot from them about how to do a business, and went to the Optical Fair, did interior design and setting up for the booth. My colleagues are so casual that you can never imagine, and they allow me so much flexibility to hunt for clients on my own so I need to create new strategies, which is actually so strange, but allows me plenty of self-study time to improve myself and enhance creativity. It’s so nice they cook delicious meals for me every day that I don’t need to spend a penny for food. These guys are unbeatably nice folks.
Go jogging and taking showers before work at 7 in the morning. However I can only do this during summer. I basically went on hibernation mode this winter and I am going backward a little bit.
Try Dukan Diet and other kinds of diet, and I went to the lightest weight of my life —- 58.5 KG, but I bounced back a little bit.
Try vegan diet for a healthier body, but it went the other way round.
Modeling contest, and I was so grateful to challenge myself trying on fancy designer clothes, walking on a formal catwalk runway in front of cameras and professionals.
Help with production of a Brazilian TV show, which this opportunity was given by a cool girl I met from the modeling contest. She got this job offer from Facebook. This show is a traveling story with sensual dancing, I am really impressed by the partying spirit of the Brazilians during production —- they are so open-minded! My face gonna be in a Brazilian TV channel this March, wearing my friend’s well-designed jelly fish dress :P.
Started engaging in wine business. Thank you so much my new friends who invited me to wine fairs and private tasting events. It was so interesting to have met a knowledgeable South African that wish to cooperate with me. I hope I won’t disappoint him too much, because I am going real slow.
Uplift my family back on track. My mother did some really ‘COOL’ stuff (Oh, Cool like sooo Cool, just perfect), and my father was jobless after all those successful years as an electronic engineer. They are both getting old so it’s time for me to step up and lead. He listened to my advice and now he is actively doing part time acting in TV dramas in the most famous TV channel in Hong Kong. He was depressed but now he is much happier. Oh yea it’s not a big deal —– that’s an adventure for daddy! Rarely do people have chances to do this! Just enjoy the ride!
Designing my own T-shirt, cap, heat-sensitive coloring changing mugs for my birthday, and invited my friends to make stylish drawings for my designs. Amazing!
I proved to myself that I welcome challenges, accept my limitations, embrace criticism and enjoy failures —— I’m getting masochistic —- in a positive way. I am getting more up-spirited on auto-pilot mode, trying to fully utilise my creativity to CREATE my life instead of following what every one else is doing:
That’s my style.
Here you are reading the blog of Miss Craziness.
Take it to the next level
This year, I wish to
>>>Practise self-discipline, commited to morning exercising, bowls of greens, healthy oils and foods, be persistent to my goals
>>>More willing to accept and disclose my failures because that’s not a big deal at all. I don’t feel bad when I am talking about my failure now —— I feel so excited instead. Lovely to be positively masochistic, don’t you think so.
>>>Not only explore but actually start getting a hand on trading wine in Hong Kong. I observed successful stories from my friends.
>>>Focus more, identify unnecessary details and neglect them. (Pareto Principle)
>>>Focus on developing and identifying SUSTAINABLE relationships and other aspects of life, instead of temporary gratification.
>>>Practise mindful breathing, and let subconscious do the job
>>>Less over-thinking, just do it (Oh that’s a really big problem for me)
>>>Contribute more to sexually deprived victims in the world, and donate more to the needed and disabled.
>>>Instead of worrying, regreting and envying, I should challenge to be the best version of myself. Breath in oxygen of life, and exhale my own style. Engage in my passion without too much expectation.
>>>Live my life to the full instead of clinging to the sense of being decadent within my comfort zone subconsciously.(Reference: Books from Doctor Murphy, Dale Carnegie and those about procrastination)
I am interested in too many things. Every thing look so funny to me that I want to conquer. I want to create. I want to make my life a colorful merry-go-round. After all,
This time, I’m not gonna quit again. Just stick to a passion and achieve something sustainable.